Reflections from observing myself

Have you ever wondered what you will uncover from observing yourself deeply? That is, to record down all persons or situations that make you feel triggered, disturbed or affected?

Recently, I attempted to do so, while trying to be as open & honest with myself as I can. After one week, I thought of sharing an interesting point that I uncovered about me.

Most of my triggers do not really concern me, whether as a lead or supporting character. When we watch a movie, the drama usually unfolds among the lead & supporting characters. In comparison, we are like mere audiences tuning in to the drama as it unfolds. Interestingly, even as a mere audience, these persons & situations somehow made me feel triggered, disturbed or affected.

For example: “I feel disturbed by my dad’s obsession towards money”. “I feel affected after watching YouTube videos of women alleging sex scandals involving the 17th Karmapa”.

While attempting to dissect my thoughts, emotions & feelings deeper, coincidentally, I attended a mind empowerment course in which a participant shared her inner journey. Her story revolved around her anger towards her husband, who was often extremely critical towards everything and everyone. He would hurl criticisms towards how the table was positioned, how the lamp was positioned, how the meal was not up to standard, and so forth. She often felt angry, upset & drained from reacting to her husband’s criticisms, even if these weren’t technically directed at her. After working on the issues deeply with a coach, it dawned upon her to reflect upon these questions:

Why do I allow myself to feel angry, upset & drained by my husband’s criticisms? What is it within me that requires healing or release?

The same questions can be applied for me as well:

When faced with external persons or situations, why do I allow myself to feel triggered, disturbed or affected? Whether knowingly or unknowingly, I gave permission for these thoughts, emotions & feelings to grow within me, upon the happening of these external events. What is it within me that requires healing or release?

Going back to the participant’s sharing, through reflecting on these questions, she realised that her emotions stemmed from associating herself to be responsible for her husband’s criticisms, coupled with her desire / expectations for her husband to improve. What required healing or release was her need to control & expect her husband to improve. Eventually, she started letting go of the need to react to her husband, and dissociating herself from her husband’s criticisms. Unexpectedly, she noticed improvements in her husband’s behaviour, when she became less obsessed or fixated with his criticisms. Importantly, it brought much-needed peace & sanity to her soul.

I learned so much from the participant’s sharing.

Often, I find it difficult to feel detached from the thoughts, words or actions of family members, simply because we spent so much time with them. It is sometimes said that it is easier to practise love, patience & compassion towards a stranger than a family member. That could be because we imposed so much judgements & expectations upon our family members, knowingly or unknowingly. We judge them for their shortcomings & their misbehaviour, and we expect them to improve.

But how do these judgements & expectations serve us in our spiritual journey? Is it to our highest good to impose expectations upon our family members to improve and be obsessed & fixated over that?

How are we empowering ourselves & others in our thoughts, words and actions?

As what the Masters often share, humans take their own time to explore their lessons in their soul’s journey to evolve. There is no point hurrying, rushing or forcing them. When we feel obsessed or fixated with the external people or situations, take time to look inwards and see what needs to be healed & released within us. Instead of being caught up with the external drama, we might be better off tuning in to ourselves and knowing ourselves a little more each day.

And so it is. Blessings be to All! ❤

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